Update.

Hey kids! It’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it? But every now and then I get the urge to start blogging again. I suppress these ridiculous urges, because I know that my unfortunate addiction to huffing paint thinner will overcome the dedication required to run a blog. What? Why are you giving me that look? How do you honestly expect me to suppress my depression infested feelings without paint thinner!? Running, you say? Well… I just don’t think that will work. Sorry.

On a lighter note, I have began playing world of warcraft again. As of January 18th, Mcvengeance, my fucking awesome level 24 shaman, is raping Alliance bastards, communists, and Hillary Clinton supporters alike. Pretty cool, right? Well, if you want to play, I’m on Tichondrius [PvP]. See you noobs in Azeroth!

Also, over Amazon.com I ordered the Twilight Princess, Geometry Wars: Galaxies, and Warioware DS. I’ve yet to get warioware, but Zelda and Geometry wars are totally worth the $30. Anyways, I’m out. Keep keepin it real, kids! Gnight.

My Christmas Present to you!

Guys! Look what I found on the world wide internets today!
Merry Christmas.

Via Digg

Mah Schoolings: Consumerism, American Values, and the Vision of Success

This is the fourth 5 pager that I’ve written in the last two weeks. I guarantee that I’ll get a shit grade on it, citing yourself is never a good idea. Either way, I figured some of you may enjoy reading it. Sorry if it’s a bit tough to read. I didn’t write it in a blog format.

Joe Hertler
ENG 101
December 6, 2007
1pm-2pm

Consumerism, American Values, and the Vision of Success

Yea… I’m still alive.

I had a good friend die on September 21st. It was a motorcycle accident.
This is the first time I’ve logged on thehappygamer.com since then.

Hail the forthcoming! The rebirth of a Legend…
Because I’m getting real fuckin itchy for some Video Game Literature!

Expect changes soon.

I got my internet back! Oh, and today is the official THG video game taboo sex day!

 

Hey kids! Yes, I know it has been along time since I last swam in the vast ocean of amateur internet journalism and as before I once again exceeded my bandwidth limitations. You see, I downloaded a Mac OS update that somehow put me at 8 gig [5 being the limit]. Basically they banned my ass for a week and a half… again. Oh well, I’m back and ready to deliver the goods.

Ok, first of all I must announce that today is the official HappyGamer taboo video game sex day. Yes, I know that this site, granted I’m not banned from the internet, covers the touchy issue of taboo sex basically everyday, but this day in particular presents itself to be even more promiscuous.

First on the plate is the story of the WoW horde guild, Abhorrent Taboo. They’re your pretty typical world of warcraft guild. They raid, pvp, and, participate in guild drama. Oh, they also like to fuck horses, goats, ducks, squirrels, and a whole plethora of various South American bird species. They’re also into having sex with underage kids and overage adults and partake in orgies, gay, menstrual, midget, and amputee sex… If you’ve seen it on the internet, Abhorrent Taboo probably
does it. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right.

Oh yea, rather than having real sex, they cyber. Cybering is the act of having sex via text chat. Here
is an example:

Doctadwarf: I pull out my magical staff.
qwertyuiop: u bai goold 5 dolla k?
Doctadwarf: You firmly grasp my magical staff and caress it softly with your fingertips.
qwertyuiop: gold delivery very a lot speed k? very fast you get it will!!!

Ok, lemme say one thing. Aside for the illegal shit, I really don’t care what your sexual preferences are. Just don’t stick your foot in the wrong place when you’re around me and all will be fine. Anyways, Blizzard got pissed about Abhorrent Taboo’s deviant actions and banned their mother fucking asses. Why? Because many underage kids were joining the guild and partaking in the Internet fuck fest, which happens to really damn disgusting and not to mention totally illegal.

A buddy of mine tells me that server has gone to shit because of this guild and that they have reformed under the name of Vile Anathema. So if you see any risqué’ dwarf of elf on orc on rabid wolf… well, report their goddam asses asap. Unfortunately, odds are you won’t be able to do anything about it, so you might as well just join in the fun. I mean, if you can’t beat em’, join em, right?

Here’s Abhorrent Taboo’s guild website. Go buy a flavored condom
and have so fun, dammit!

Anti-Piracy movies are gettin mean!

So… anyone got a demonoid friend pass I can get?
joehertler@gmail.com
kek

via digg 

New Blacks Only Football Game Steriotypes Blacks, Excludes Whites and Asians. Hispanics are pissed off too, but noone knows why…

Grab your watermelon and Kool-aid kids, because fucking Black College Football: The Xperience is here for the PC. Aren’t you intrigued? Dude, I fuckin was! The way they left out the “E” and emphasized the “X” in experience ensnared my ADHD ridden mind from the moment I saw it. It’s only happened once before, but my boner became sooo big, that I nearly passed out due to lack of blood going to my brain. No fucking Joke.

The game will come jam packed with Black collegiate rivalries, Ebonics, decent hydroponic marijuana, a few dead Dogs [courtesy of Mike Vick], a whole shitload of crappy Nick Cannon cameos! Oh, and there will be absolutely no upper middle class conservative white males. However, there will be numerous white ho’s, because everyone knows that a brotha has gotta have his white chocolate, right?

Basically this game kills it on every level. All the blacks are pissed because it stereotypes them. The whites and Asians are pissed because there not included. The Hispanics are pissed because they’re always having to pick blueberries, allowing hardly anytime for them to even play the game. The Middle Easterners are just too Allah damned busy blowing shit up and throwing rocks to even give a fuck. And the Europeans, well… they’re just disgusting. Now, Did I leave anyone out? Shit, your right! Indians! Forgot about them. But yea, they’re really fucking pissed because they don’t have any land to play the game on [yea, the white man even took their bandwidth]! Hell, why not throw women into the picture. They’re pissed because their husbands are too busy looking at the black cheerleader’s asses to help them in the kitchen.

Well, I’ve probably lost every god damn reader I’ve ever had now, so If your one of those kinda people who don’t know how to take a joke, well… you can go fuck yourself. Goodnight.

SOURCE

Gadget Porn: A bunch of fuckin 2007 Ipod Photo’s…

 Once again the world wide internets has proven that there is a certain kind of Pron for everyone, as shown in these particularly racy, hot, steaming photo’s of this year’s Ipods. I think guys had wayyy to much fun puttin these together. And you thought the apple store employees actually did work!

The colors are sick. Kind of a nice pasty, sugar coated preteen wet dream that I’d probably
would have liked when I was about 6  years old. The new rounded shape is kinda goofy lookin
too, but hey, at least you can watch your favorite porn on a nano now. I think I’ll be stickin with
my old 30 gig brick for now.

Photo’s via digg. The the jump for infinate wisdom.

THG MOVIE NIGHT: New awesome Left4Dead Gameplay footage!

Hey Kids! Tonight I’m incredibly bogged down with homework, so the post provided will be sure to be short and sweet. So without further to do, here are a few gameplay videos of Turtle Rocks Left4Dead, a game you should definitely watch out for.

I uploaded one to youtube, the rest are provided in links, via by Gametrailers.com!
ZOMBIE CARNAGE, YO!

What has the world come to? Goatse located in Bioshock…

Damn you Kevin Levine. You’ve seemingly presented me with more disgusting information that I simply must write about. Christ, here we go…

Coincidence? I think not. All I really know is that the world has gone to hell. I can’t browse the world wide web anymore without seeing that god damned Goatse. I mean, It’s fucking everywhere! Sightings of the infamous “slogan” [?] have popped up everywhere from classrooms to freaking cereal boxes and even churches. But now it has seemingly made its way into forbidden territory: The video game medium. Seriously, the only reason that I ever even dared to venture into rapture was to flee the haunting, foreboding glare of the goatse. There is no escape… God help us…

Don’t know what the goatse is? Well consider yourself lucky and move on with your life. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t google it up. Seriously, don’t do it.

A wise man once said, “Look Mr. Bubbles! Its an angel! I can see light coming out of his…”

The “shoot your hot, steaming load, at a Japanese girl” game! Kinda neat, right?

Yes, I know. I haven’t updated in the last few days. You gotta understand though. You see, I exceeded my bandwidth at my university, so in turn, they kicked me off the internets. My only hope is that somewhere in your coroded, hate filled heart, you can forgive me…

Anyways, earlier today while checking my email, a reader by the name of Big John sent me this tasty little link of a really cool japanese fps where you apparently bust your hot, dripping cum on innocent little anime school girls. Sometimes you can even pick up a baseball bat, but only to scare them so that later you may spew some more man milk on them. Oh, sometimes when you bust on them too much, the school girls will run into walls and dissapeer, which then, for some unknown reason, causes the the whole room to shake. Kinda kinky, isn’t it? Now please excuse me while I make a b-line to my roomates lotion, so that I may play an fps of my own.

Also enclosed in Big Johns email to yous truly was this inspiring bit of hate mail:

 Your site used to be better like when you used to update alot. use this to make a post.

Well, thank you BJ [you don't mind me callin you BJ, do ya?], because I was rather entertained by that video and I’m sure the THG readership will be as well.

Via BJ

Crysis Demo to hit same day as Halo 3 release: Sept 25th

Yea you heard it right. Pc’s not deemed worthy will be exploding worldwide on september 25th when the Crysis demo hits the world wide internets. Wait -what is it, Lassie?

Is Katie stuck in the well?
“Woof woof!”

Did Grandpa’s Meth lab explode again?
“Woof woof!”

Is your roomate playing Soldier Boy for the 400th time on your 600 watt sterio system?
“Woof woof!”

Ohhh… Shit- Your right, ol yeller! September 25- Dear  god, why… why… thats when Halo 3 comes out!!!
“Woof!”

Don’t ask me why the Crysis Demo is coming out on this legendary date, because, well… I have no
fucking clue. My be guess is that it’s for some really goofy press coverage from blogs such as mine,
but whatever. Either way, Crysis will have to wait, not that it will even run on my macbookpro.

Via Dtoid

Don’t ask me why the Crysis demo

Crysis Nano Suit Trailer is kickin rad!

God help us all. This Trailer is sweet as shit, yo! I strongly advise you to download or stream the high res version over at gametrailers. Roiding up and choking the fuck out of koreans has never looked this good. Ever.

[Digg]

New Hope for FPS’s on the Wii: Metroid proves to be rad as hell!

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption is nearly upon us, and delivered with it is the promise of stunningly artistic visuals and vastly superior game play to the sequel’s predecessors. It seems that finally Nintendo has truly nailed the wii’s FPS controls, providing incredibly precise aiming mechanics that reportedly will put the duel analog to shame. Looks like I’m gonna have to sell my body for more video game money. God dammit.

I’ve yet to find a negative review and I believe I’ll be hard pressed to ever come across one. A good game is a good game and Metroid is a must have for all wii owners when it hits store shelves tomorrow! Here are a few reviews:

-1up-
On the whole, Corruption takes advantage of the Wii’s biggest strength (with its unique controls), and minimizes its greatest weakness (through astounding art direction), while otherwise maintaining or improving upon the high standards and overall polish the series is known for.

-Gametrailers-
The original “Metroid Prime” is one of the highest-rated games in existence, but Metroid Prime 3: Corruption is easily superior. It’s far less frustrating, and more action packed, while managing to redefine console shooting controls in the process.

-Nintendo Power-
The stunning visuals and immersive gameplay of the finale to the Prime series proves that the Wii is ready for the mainstream gamer.

-IGN-
ot only do the new controls respond quicker and with more precision than any dual-analog-helmed FPS ever created, but the gesture system works brilliantly, too. Meanwhile, the title delivers everything a Metroid fan could hope for, including spectacular environmental puzzles, epic boss fights and intense combat, all wrapped up in a package that spans multiple worlds and is filled with re-traversal exploration.